Paps

Well, just like any other lucky woman, I had to get my annual physical and "pap smear" this week. Okay so I've heard that every woman is different when it comes down to these pesty regular tests, but most women I've talked to feel the same way. They are uncomfortable. And they can hurt.

I had the sad mistake of experiencing a horrifying cystoscopy a few years back. Long story short I had multiple urinary tract infections (UTI's) that a local urologist couldn't figure out. Instead of asking me numerous questions about my lifestyle, my job, my day-to-day occurrences, he decided to put me through a serious of excruciating tests. My theory, he was just trying to make some money. But that's just me. Anyway, I go in for this cystoscopy. Reading about it beforehand I didn't think much of it. Well, this idiot decided to put me through this test completely undrugged and awake. If you've ever had this procedure done, you would know that the routine is to give the patient some sort of anesthetic-something to at least relax you while you're in stirrups with a long wired camera going into your bladder. No, not this guy. He was too good for that! After that extremely painful experience I haven't been able to do a pap easily. Well after his rigorous test he sits me in his office and proceeds to tell me that nothing is wrong with my bladder. He tells me that I must have some strange coincidence going on with all the UTI's I've been getting. He said that as a precautionary standard I should start taking a pill everyday to help reduce my chances of getting a UTI. At the time, my husband and I were trying to get pregnant. So I asked him if I could take this pill while I'm pregnant (that is whenever we get pregnant), and he looks at me with his stern eyes and said "NO!" Well, I said, why would I want to start taking a pill now that I can't take when I'm pregnant, if we're trying to have a baby? He looked me over, and with all the tests that I had went through, the painful cystoscopy, the x-rays, the scans he told me something that he should have said before I went through it all: "Well, I guess you can just try drinking more water, and going to the bathroom more often." Ah hah! That idiot could have put me through about 5 more minutes of questions on our first meeting to find out that I was in a job where I did not drink enough water, I had lots of caffeine, and I barely visited the bathroom between the hours of 8a-5p. Maybe we could have started with that suggestion before all the painful and pricey procedures were done. All that agony for that one suggestion. I walked out of his office, and vowed I would never come back. And what do you know I never had do-I stopped getting the UTI's.

Now a pap is not just a pap. I don't care who you are, when you get that letter in the mail that your number's up and it's time for your "annual physical" I am sure you're just like me. You start tensing up, you sweat, you grind your teeth. Why the hell do we have to go in every flippin' year?! I mean, I'm going into nursing I know why we have to go in that often, and I'm not trying to urge anyone not to. But I don't have to like it. When can they start giving you drugs for that test? Better yet, put me out cold. Just do what you need to do, and I'll have my husband drive me home. Who knows maybe I'll catch up on some sleep.

Ah, the joys of being a woman.